Saturday, August 9, 2014


The Three Modes Of D/S Play

To me, the point of D/s play (i.e. Domination and submission) is for two people to explore together, so as to learn more about what gives each other pleasure.

From the outside looking in, this may appear to be about one person giving up control to another. It looks very asymmetrical. One person commands. One person submits.

But when it works, there’s a much deeper symmetry. Both people are giving each other permission to explore what gives them pleasure. Once you get behind the outer shell, the inside is simply an expression of love.

In the first mode of D/s play, the Dominant is commanding the submissive to give him/her pleasure. I want you to make me feel good. The sub’s role is to step into being a source of pleasure for another, which can be quite a delicious experience for some. The Dom’s role is to invite pleasure and to receive without resistance. There are tremendous lessons here for both.

In the second mode, the Dom invites the sub to explore the sub’s sources of pleasure. I want you to let me make you feel good. The sub’s role is now to receive, especially by allowing the Dom to discover the sub’s pleasure triggers. The Dom’s role is to discover what gives the sub pleasure and to give that pleasure in the most delicious ways, such as by teasing and building up the energy without releasing it right away. There are powerful lessons to be learned here as well.

In the third mode, the Dom and the sub agree to explore how they can co-create the deepest, richest experience of pleasure for each other at the same time. Both are doing their best to tap into the flow of giving and receiving. The Dom is simply the one giving a voice to that flow. But when they’re truly in sync, the voice is almost redundant. They can both hear where the flow wants to go so clearly that no verbalization is necessary. But when things fall off track, the Dom is the one with the clear responsibility to do what it takes to restore the flow state, and the sub trusts the Dom to perform this role.

No mode is superior to the others. These aren’t levels or steps to progress through. They’re simply different ways of exploring together. Each mode has its own delights and its own lessons.


What is bliss? How do we define that? How can we create that experience together?

In a way, bliss is a result of letting go.

Many people who’ve experienced bliss would agree that bliss is our natural state. It’s how we feel when we’re at our very best. To return to that state, we need to release the blocks that keep us from it. D/s play is the act of giving another person permission to help you identify and release these blocks.

What keeps you out of bliss? Do you allow your body image to get in the way? Have your turn-ons been shamed and guilted away? Are you afraid of rejection or judgment? Are you unable to express your desires without feeling you’re being too selfish? Do you see people as separate from you, a potential threat? Do you stop yourself from fully surrendering to pleasure?

Are you ready to let all of that nonsense go? Have you decided that it’s time to shed it? Have you come to the awareness that there are no good reasons for denying yourself and others great pleasure? Are you ready to return to your natural state of being — to be happy, to creatively express yourself, to touch, to feel, to smile, to laugh, and to play?

Are you aware that D/s play isn’t just a sexual experience? It’s actually an experience filled with lots of laughter. I think partly the laughs come out as various blocks are released. That once-trapped energy is often released as laughter. Sometimes as tears of joy. And sometimes as other strong, seemingly out of place emotions. And afterwards there’s a tremendous feeling of relief. Finally that trapped energy has been freed.

We block ourselves from experiencing bliss in so many ways. D/s play is simply one tool among many for returning there. It can be intense to be sure, but this kind of intensity is a good thing; it’s the release of trapped energy. If you’re ready to invite that kind of experience, great. If you’re not ready to invite it, no worries; there are other paths of growth to explore.

What I love about D/s play is that it’s a social experience. It is a commitment to explore bliss with another person, to remove our masks and lower our shields, to return ourselves to the recognition that we’re already one.

I could meditate on my own, but more often than not, I’ll simply fall asleep from boredom. I do meditate regularly, but mainly as a way of taking a break and relaxing my mind. I prefer to create the experience of bliss by inviting the body along for the ride, rather than trying to transcend the body and retreat into the mind, heart, and spirit. I want to bring the physical world with me… no need to leave it behind. It can make the trip. It’s all energy anyway. To share such an experience with another is deliciousness incarnate, one of my favorite parts of this human journey.

When I look into a woman’s eyes after we’ve both surrendered ourselves fully, I see an angel. I see her full spiritual beauty, her perfection, her true nature. And I’m in awe of it. To behold such beauty and to feel it beholding me with no shielding whatsoever is a pleasure beyond all pleasures.

A Special Thx To Steve Pavlina

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