Now BDSM covers a lot of aspects, but in order to be considered BDSM it
stands to reasons that one of three aspects has to be present – B/D (bondage
and discipline), S/M (sadism and masochism) or D/s (Dominance and submission).
Anything that doesn’t fall into these three categories is considered non-kinky
or ‘vanilla.’ However are non-kinky and vanilla really synonymous? Vanilla is
often categorised as ‘boring,’ conjuring images of heterosexual sex in the
missionary position with the lights off – but if Vanilla is simply sex not
covered by BDSM, is it not possible to be kinky in its own right? Therein lies
‘vanilla kink,’ (or perhaps French Vanilla if you prefer). (There is also the
argument that vanilla sex doesn’t include kink at all, regardless of whether it
lies within the boundaries of BDSM – but I don’t see why this should be the
case, as vanilla is often used as a term for people not into BDSM itself).
For example, does doing a bit of dressing up in the bedroom count as BDSM?
Not really, unless the roles involve a Dominant and submissive character. Does
anal play count? Not really – even a lot of toys that can be introduced into
the bedroom don’t necessarily come under BDSM; butt plugs, dildoes, vibrators,
vibrating eggs, anal beads, etc. Or what
about foot fetishes? Hot oil massages? Trying out different sex positions?
Pretty much anything in the Karma Sutra? Although all these will probably seem
pretty vanilla to someone into BDSM, to others they definitely come under the
category of kink – ergo, Vanilla Kink.
This really makes the Them vs Us argument present on BOTH sides pretty
pointless. There isn’t always a clear cut line, it’s a continuum and a person
can fall anywhere on it. What is kinky to some is vanilla to others and vice
versa. As well as this, the ‘vanilla is boring’ argument also loses its
credibility – although there’s not as many options as within BDSM, there certainly
is a lot of room for variety.
Aside from overcoming stereotypes, this offers a middle ground between
totally vanilla and hardcore kink. This is especially useful for people who
want to spice things up in the bedroom but aren’t ready to venture into the world
of BDSM just yet, or as a stepping-stone to BDSM – especially when introducing
it to a nervous spouse. Kink doesn’t always mean painful, embarrassing, or
anything else for that matter! It’s whatever YOU want and YOU need it to be.
What we need people to realise is that something that works for one person
doesn’t necessarily work for another. What may seem tame to one may be way too
extreme for others – but within and outside of BDSM, there’s always room for
experimentation and variety. So why the stereotypes? Vanilla isn’t always
boring and BDSM isn’t always extreme (not to say it can’t be ;P) – it all
depends on the person and what they want out of it.
The whole argument seems a bit silly really.
